Meandering through my mind

Thu, 03/01/2012 - 20:43 — Carrie

Sometimes I just need to write. This is one of those times.

I'm waiting. Are you waiting? I think everyone is waiting. At any given moment, I could probably name at least 10 things I'm waiting for. From the simple, little things, like waiting for dinner to be done, to big things, like waiting for the right person to come into your life that you'll want to love forever. I'm always waiting.

But how are we waiting? Well, if you're anything like me, then it's probably not always with a lot of patience. In fact, I'm not very patient right now. Maybe that's why I'm writing, merely to fill the time.

<rambling side note> this always reminds me of that song in Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, "Let's think of something to do while we're waiting". When I was little, singing the song was the only thing I could think of to do, and I used to sing it over and over to myself until whatever I was waiting for happened. </rambling side note>

But back to waiting... although, I don't really have great wisdom to share about it. If I ever figure out how to wait contentedly and patiently, I'll be sure to let you know.

*sigh* I do know this. Waiting is hard. Sometimes it's downright depressing. It irks me when people tell me I shouldn't be depressed while I wait. It irks me when people tell me that my life is great and I should just be sooo happy where I'm at and how dare I complain about what I don't have. Maybe it irks me because they're kind of right. In a way. Sort of.

I mean, just because I like what I'm doing with my life, does that mean I can't want something else, more? A few months ago, my laptop screen cracked. I was able to hook my laptop up to a desktop screen and it worked really well. In fact, I loved it. It was a much bigger screen than my laptop, and it had the convenience of always being right there on my desk. Didn't ever have to worry about leaving it behind somewhere. And yet, I very desperately wanted a new laptop. And when I got it, although I missed the big screen for awhile, I was oh so glad to be past that stage. Perhaps that's not the best of analogies, but hopefully you get my drift.

I like my life. I love my job, I enjoy school, I adore my apartment and roommate. But I want change. I want to move, to have a new job, to have a new life. The worst part is I know it's coming someday, but it's not here yet. It's almost intangible, even. I don't know exactly when it'll be, or what it will look like. I just know it's coming. I think part of the reason I'm sometimes unhappy with my life now is that I know it won't last. It's hard to be happy with something you love, when you know it'll soon be gone. Hard to cherish the moments when the whole time you're counting them down. 

This waiting is killing me. (Not literally. Tongue )

I bounce back and forth from activity to activity. I fly to one event after another. I visit friends halfway across the country, yet find myself lonely on a Saturday night. My thoughts crowd around me, pulling me down, threatening me with cold, rainy days and darkness.

<rambling side note> My cat just jumped up onto my lap to cuddle with me. Isn't it strange how animals can sense your mood? </rambling side note>

Ok, so my life isn't that depressing. Really, overall I'm a pretty happy person. I haven't decided if it's because I'm very good at ignoring my sadness, or if I'm just good at being happy in the little things. Maybe a bit of both. Not sure. I'm glad for the good times, though. Glad for the moments when I feel good, and upbeat, and just plain happy.

One more thing before I close. I've discovered something. When you're depressed, sometimes all you want is for someone to come up next to you and say, "ya know what? You're right. Life stinks." and then let out a sigh with you and commiserate. That can feel really good.


Alternating...

I am alternating between wanting to make you wait for a reply and giving you some satisfaction that the post earned a comment.

There are some things that I want to happen and others that I know can not happen until I accomplish other things first. The "too fast" and "wish xyz were here already" conflict in strange ways. Here's hoping you get some of those conflicts soon!

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