Fear

Sat, 11/17/2012 - 10:12 — Carrie

What do you do when your life feels like it's spiraling in a direction that you weren't expecting, and you're not really sure where you'll end up?

What do you do when things you thought were written in stone slip from your grasp?

What do you do when you can see a plan, a future, laid out in front of you, but you're not there yet, and there's nothing you can do right now to help it.

What do you do when you know everything about your life is about to change, but you have no idea how?

What do you do when your life seems to be sitting on the brink of a cavernous ravine, and you can't see the bottom, but you're so scared to take the next step.

What do you do when you can no longer hover on the edge?

A year from now I'll be in a very different place. I won't live in this house. I won't work at this job. I won't go to this church. I won't attend this school. I won't hang out with these friends. So what's going to replace it all, you ask? Well that's just the scary part. I have no freakin' idea. My job right now teeters on the edge of unemployment, my school schedule for next semester is in shambles, and even my family situation is weird and full of uncertainty. I try to encourage my siblings, but I count on their encouragment to just take the next step. I try to talk to people about it, but can't seem to find one person who can completely relate. Not their fault... they're just not where I'm at, and something about their situation is different in a way that makes me not be able to completely share.

A part of me, deep inside, feels hollow. Empty. And I can't figure out what to fill it with. How can a Christian - who is trying so hard to rely completely on God, and certainly can feel Him in her life - feel this way? I long for.... something. I don't know what it is I long for. But I yearn for it so completely and there's an ache inside me, waiting for whatever it is. I feel like I'm on the edge of something huge. Something... I don't want to say amazing, because that implies good, and I don't know that. But everything in my life that's happening seems to be pushing me closer and closer to it. And some of those things are painful. Oh so painful. Like I'm being shoved through a wringer, and am trying to claw my way out, but I'm not sure if I'm heading back or forward. I need fresh air. Somewhere, somehow, I need a breath of fresh air. Now if I could only find the button that rolls down the stupid window. Tongue


The unknown can definitely be

The unknown can definitely be exciting. It doesn't have to be worrisome. Take this from someone who flipped a coin and moved across the country without knowing where he would stay. Big smile

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